The relief of commitment

There have been two commitments I have made in my life. The first was too recovery and the second was two my husband. Both were utterly terrifying but both have made me feel more secure than I ever dreamed possible.

I have always been an anxious person and for many years used the avoidance behaviors of an eating disorder to control the anxiety. Now matter what happened, as long as I used a behavior I was going to be ok. Losing that one, reliable thing in my life was so scary. However, it was consuming me. It was ruining me and every hope and dream. It had to go and when I finally decided to reject the eating disorder, something magical happened.

I found out that I could survive anxiety and still be ok. It turns out there is no other choice but to be ok. None. No other choice. In discovering that lone fact, the resistance to recovery I had always felt transformed into a resistance to the eating disorder.

That abusive, horrible voice in my head started to fade. It became the enemy it always was. As I fought, it faded and as it faded, I fought. Commitment to recovery, in the end, relieved me of that burden.

Committing to my husband was a similar process. I had a deep, overwhelming fear of marriage. From my experience, marriage only led to suffering, heartache, and anger. I wanted to part of it. Event e positive marriages I saw, I considered flukes and time-bombs. Eventually, those people were going to destroy each other.

My perceptions started to change after a conversation about children with my now husband. We had been dating almost 2 years. You would think that I would have begun to see the light at that point but I’m stubborn, apparently. I had asked him about having children and he brought up marriage. I told him my opinion of marriage. The look on his face was heart-breaking. He said “You would want a child with me but you wouldn’t make that commitment to me?” I dropped the conversation at that point but it made me think.

Long story short, we did end up getting married. It was a traumatic experience for me. We had a small ceremony because I couldn’t handle a bunch of people watching me jump of a cliff. Sadly, that’s what it felt like. I was hoping against hope I would find out I had wings but had no faith that it would happen. I simply loved my husband enough to try.

We’ve been married two and half years now and for most of that, I have not believed we would make the long haul. Somewhere in there though, I started to take the end off the table. The D word isn’t an option. How that happened is a mystery to me but it did. And guess, what…I feel alot better…about everything. I trust myself, my husband, my life more than I ever have. Turns out, I do have wings. Or rather, we have wings.

What positive risks have you taken in your life? What has brought you long lasting relief? What holds you back in recovery?

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